Lost, Broken, Confused
by HOTTERTHNU
Summary: Kirsten has second thoughts about her decision, and finds solace in Sandy


**Lost, Broken, Confused**

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**Disclaimer: **I don't own the O.C. or any of its characters.

**A/N: **This "drabble" turned into almost 1500 words. Just a little something I cooked up on my day home from school…please review!

Eek! I made a few major mistakes, pointed out to me by (very nicely, I might add) by winterrose and lala. Thanks, guys. Hope this clears stuff up! The Starbucks issue has been resolved; the Coffee Cup is a figment of my imagination. About the cell phone thing, please visit this link

No, cells were not widespread until the late 80's/early 90's, but they did exist. And a wealthy family like the Nichols could most definitely afford to pay the high price for the phones.

Newport's like, six hours away from Berkeley--_smacks self--_, but Stockton's only like an hour. So that's fixed also. Enjoy!__

_I'm lost, broken, confused _

_But I won't give up on you_

_ -Mest_

Kirsten feels dirty and used and horrible.

Wearing Chanel sunglasses and absolutely no makeup, she hurries out of the clinic, not sure if she should feel upset or relieved.

She decides she feels both.

It was over in a matter of minutes.

_Sign here. And here. _

_The doctor will be with you in just a minute._

_Close your eyes and relax; it won't hurt, I promise._

And that was it.

The life of her unborn child was over, before it had properly begun.

Kirsten wonders what her mother would say if she'd found out.

_I'll call Melanie, the wedding planner. We'll have to bump the date up a few months earlier than I would've liked, but it's the only way. At least we'll be able to say it was a honeymoon baby._

Kirsten wonders what Jimmy would say if he'd found out.

_Shit, Kirsten, how did this happen? Two…it's just too much. This is not happening. This isn't the life I was supposed to live. What should I do?_

Kirsten wonders, but she'll never know.

She's lost, broken, and confused.

She wonders, but she'll never know.

No, she won't, because she's ended the life of a baby she isn't sure belongs to the man she's destined to marry.

She won't, because that would mean explanations.

And Kirsten Nichol doesn't do well with confrontation.

She knows what her mother would say.

_That boy from the Bronx? Kirsten, you know better. I'm so disappointed…does Jimmy know? You can still say it's yours. The boy loves you; what he doesn't know won't hurt him._

She knows exactly what Jimmy would say.

_This whole time…the whole fucking time, I'm apologizing to you for a stupid, drunken mistake I made, and you, you did the same thing to me!_

Turning on the ignition in her Beemer—a graduation present from her father—Kirsten's stomach rises to her mouth. She takes a few deep breaths, telling herself it wasn't meant to be. She's only eighteen; she's going to college and marrying Jimmy Cooper.

Except…Jimmy's got his plate full, what with a Riverside skank for the main course and a few hoes for dessert.

And Kirsten's been occupied lately, too.

He goes by Sandy, but he's Sanford Michael Cohen.

He's from the Bronx, and his mother is a social worker.

He's got two eyebrows with a life of their own, and the wits that Kirsten knows would make her father crack a smile. Not that her father will meet him. As far as Caleb Nichol's concerned, his eldest daughter Kirsten has been dating Jimmy Cooper for years, and plans on marrying him once she's finished with college. And as far as Emily Nichol is concerned, Kirsten is in love with Jimmy, too.

And he was the possible father of Kirsten's baby. She'll never know, though.

Kirsten gets off the exit and speeds to the nearest coffeehouse. She needs the extra boost right now. Her cell phone shrills, and suddenly she wants to hurl it out the window. It's probably her mother, calling to ask if Jimmy's proposed yet.

_No, mom,_ Kirsten wants to say, _Jimmy hasn't proposed. And he's not going to. I'm surprised you haven't heard about the skank from Riverside he knocked up._

Without looking at the number, Kirsten flips open the phone and tries to control her shaky voice.

"Kirsten? This is Sandy."

She should've checked who it was. The last person she wants to talk to right now is Sandy. What is she supposed to say to him?

_I found out I was pregnant and it was possibly your child. But I'm not having the baby. No, I've already gone through with it._

No, that wouldn't do.

"Hi, Sandy." Whatever Kirsten's feeling, her voice shows no emotion. It's a mask of serenity, calm, cool, and collected. If Sandy knew her better, he'd know that something was up. But he doesn't. And _that _alone makes Kirsten want to break into tears. Jimmy knows her well enough. But Jimmy's not marrying _her_, is he?

"How are you? I got worried when you didn't meet me in front of my dorm," Sandy says. "What have you been up to?"

"Oh, nothing much. Sorry about that, I was exhausted, so I blew off all my classes and slept all day," Kirsten fibs. What is she supposed to say?

_I went to Stockton so no one would recognize me. I went into a dirty clinic where they probably don't wash their hands or clean the equipment, and I removed a fetus—yeah, a fetus—from my body. That's why I didn't meet you._

"Sounds like my kind of day," Kirsten smiles at this, and Sandy can almost sense her smiling through the phone. "So, do you want to meet up later, now that you're rested? Maybe we could get a cup of coffee? I mean, unless you've got plans with Cooper."

No, Kirsten Nichol is done with Jimmy.

She loves him, always has, and probably always will.

She doesn't know how she's going to tell her parents that Kirsten Cooper will never be.

She doesn't know anything anymore.

She's lost, broken, and confused.

"Jimmy and I broke up," Kirsten whispers, surprised at how much _more_ real the truth is when it's said.

"Sorry," Sandy mutters. "I guess you need some time, then. See you around."

Kirsten replies, "See you."

The moment after she hangs up, Kirsten regrets doing so.

She likes Sandy, hell, she was going to have a baby with Sandy.

And loving Sandy would piss off her parents in the best way.

She parks at the Coffee Cup, walks in, and dials Sandy's number.

"It's Kirsten again," she tells him.

"Hey…long time no talk!" Sandy jokes. "Must be the Cohen charm. I'm told that it's irresistible."

Kirsten wonders if Sandy would be joking, if only he knew _where_ she was earlier and _what_ she was doing.

Kirsten doesn't want to think about it any more.

She tries to tell herself that it wasn't meant to be.

Her unborn baby wasn't meant to live.

Was it, though? What if she just played with fate?

Kirsten knows what's done is done, yet she can't help but wonder…

"So, was there a reason for you calling?" Sandy asks, jarring Kirsten out of her fight with conscience.

Kirsten tries to think happy thoughts to settle her quivering lip. Her eyes are tearing up, and she knows it won't be long before the waterworks begin.

"That cup of coffee we were talking about before sounds great," Kirsten admits.

It's time to move on.

Whoever Mrs. Jimmy Cooper is, Kirsten knows that she's not her.

At least not anymore.

She's not going to play it safe anymore.

She's not going to adhere to her parents' wishes anymore.

She's not going to delude herself, that she still has a shot at the title of Mrs. Cooper.

"Really?" Sandy asks incredulously. "How about the Coffee Cup on Shattuck?"

Kirsten agrees. She doesn't bother telling Sandy that she's already there.

She chooses to believe that it was more than a coincidence Sandy chose that location.

After all, there are, like, eight Coffee Cups in Berkeley alone.

Maybe _this_ is fate.

When Sandy arrives, Kirsten's already ordered for the both of them.

She remembers seeing Sandy walking by the quad, Espresso Macchiato in hand.

Sandy raises those distinctive eyebrows of his. "How'd you know what I liked?" He takes a sip out of the Styrofoam cup.

"Lucky guess," Kirsten tells him. Sandy accepts this, and pulls out a chair.

A woman with a stroller ambles in, and Kirsten can't help but notice she's got one of those Chanel diaper bags. Kirsten's _always_ wanted one of those.

She could've been out shopping for one right now.

But she's not.

And _that_ makes Kirsten burst into tears.

"Kirsten…what is it?" Sandy asks, as curious customers gawk at Kirsten.

Kirsten waves her hand aimlessly. "It's nothing," she puffs between sobs.

She's lost, broken, and confused.

Of course _nothing_ is wrong.

"_This_," Sandy motions, "is not nothing."

Kirsten continues to sob.

She cries for her unborn baby.

She cries for the man she lost to a slut from Riverside.

She cries for herself.

"Let's get out of here," Sandy helps Kirsten out of her seat, and before she knows it they are standing in the parking lot of the strip mall. "You want a tissue?"

Without waiting for an answer, Sandy unlocks his car and scrounges around for a Kleenex. He triumphantly produces the box of tissues, crumpled and squished. Kirsten gratefully takes one and daintily dabs at her cheeks.

"You're going to be okay," Sandy soothes, while not having the slightest clue what he's talking about. He hasn't had much experience with crying girls, but assumes this is what you say to one.

Teary-eyed Kirsten looks up at Sandy.

She's lost, broken, and confused.

It's crazy, and Kirsten knows it.

But she thinks she might actually be okay.


End file.
